Craptastic Games From The Past

I did some digging today, saving old CD-ROMs by copying them to harddisk. Then I made an astonishing discovery – not only did I still have a backup of my second oldest homepage, but also of a couple of “games” I created when I was 14 or 15. Hilarity ensued. I’d like to present some of the, er – “gems” I created over 10 years ago in this article.

The first such “project” I’d like to show you is actually not a Click & Create game, but was programmed by nufan (with whom I later founded our demogroup skp) in Delphi if I remember correctly. It was called Outworld Apocalypse, and the story revolved around a character called “J.C” who crash lands on an alien jungle planet. Well, the game never really went anywhere, although I still have a prototype with clickable buttons and all. My “contribution” to the game were the ugly interface buttons and logo you see in the screenshot, as well as the website and manual. After the jump, you’ll be treated to even more astonishing creations!

Observe the state-of-the-art Photoshop filters I applied to those buttons!

Observe the state-of-the-art Photoshop filters I applied to those buttons!

Now back in the 90s, multimedia was all the rage. Programs like Click & Create promised to let you combine pictures, sounds and even videos to exciting multimedia applications like screen savers or autostart CD menus! Well, or games. However, I never really got the hang of the program. I’m not much into logical thinking, so even the simple graphical “programming” in Click & Create was too much for my puny brain. I started a lot of “games,” but most of them never got past the main menu stage, mainly because I never had a concept.

My ultimate dream was creating Paradroid ’97. I started on the game, however I haven’t been able to find the prototype anymore, only some sound effects remain it seems. But fear not – there are even greater games I had in the making!

The first one I’d like to show you is a “real time strategy prototype” as I called it. I think what I wanted to achieve was a scrolling landscape like in Command & Conquer. I didn’t even get that far, it’s all just a bunch of static images. Trying to create a RTS game with Click & Create is pretty naive, especially when you have zero knowledge of the program.

If I had finished this one, it surely would have crushed Command & Conquer.

If I had finished this one, it surely would have crushed Command & Conquer.

I have always been a point & click adventure game fan, so I had to try creating my own grand adventure of course! I got as far as creating two screens. In this unnamed adventure, you could “walk” the purple alien ball called Mutlogg around with the cursor keys (more like warping around, since the collision detection didn’t work at all) and even talk to the alien bar keeper (with voice talents by my brother and yours truly.) Most of the characters on screen were animated however, even all the interface buttons had two different states. Apparently the story revolved around some kind of murder case, but I think I just made that up as I went along creating the “game.”

Hey, it has hover chairs. Must be the future!

Hey, it has hover chairs. Must be the future!

The player character is called Mutlogg apparently.

The barkeeper is called Khamathar apparently.

The next game is in the category “Ok, let’s create a cool intro and see where we can go from there.” I named it Radioactive and its logo was a radioactivity sign, how fitting! The intro consists of two ugly Photoshop-filter-laden pictures that seem to depict some kind of radioactive fallout event as seen from a bunker security cam. After the intro, you get to the main menu and that’s all there is to the game. What was I thinking!?

Observe the date stamp, a Mayan calendar doomsday backstory? How original!

Observe the date stamp, a Mayan calendar doomsday backstory? How original!

Here comes Operation Werewolf – oder der harmlose Handschuh. Well, at least I was admitting I couldn’t draw worth a damn, considering that sock puppet in the logo was supposed to be a wolf.  I was actually surprised how far I got in this game. After the obligatory main menu (complete with the US national anthem in the background, hummed by myself) there’s a weapons shop that actually works. You can even view your aircraft, the “Stealth Attackbomber XSA1 – Prototype.” Yea, whatever. The next screen gives you a short briefing on the mission by a “Commander Fox,” commanding you to show the terrorists “what a pepperoni is.” WTF! Clicking on the silly “Get ’em” button lets you actually take off in your pink jet plane and fight a helicopter! Well, not really, since everything is really buggy and the helicopter just disappears after like one second. But still, you can fly around for about two screens. And, hey, there’s an animated shark in the water!

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The logo just screams military action game.

Get your weapons here.

Get your weapons here.

I think something's wrong with the colours here.

I think something's wrong with the colours here.

Now here’s a game that actually works, sort of! I made it for my brother‘s 24th birthday. It consists of the player controlling a bird that has to crap on worms moving from one side of the screen to the other at insane speeds. Every once in a while the worms will launch rockets at the bird. The game’s ridiculously difficult, but I guess that was the point. If you somehow succeed, there’s even an outro you can watch.

Note the bird only has a limited supply of shits.

Note the bird only has a limited supply of shits.

Well, that’s it for now with my unreleased games. I actually still dream of finally finishing just one indie game, but I doubt it’s ever going to happen. Maybe I should give Click & Create a try again …

One Response to “Craptastic Games From The Past”

  1. tomson Says:

    what an amusing piece of navel-gazing!

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